come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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