My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
