I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
