She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
