so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I need to sanitize my soul.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
