so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
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Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
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I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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