I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The air was thick with penises
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
