what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
