That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We had sex on a dog bed..
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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