My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
