there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
