You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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