Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
