Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
