During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
