If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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