I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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