you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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