I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
