Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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