We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
