Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
