dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
