come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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