Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
