i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
