i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
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