Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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