U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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