I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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