i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
