the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
