i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
