My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just cropdusted the office
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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