My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
bring money and cleavage
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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