did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
