Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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