I hope mine doesn't look like that
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
