I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
