my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
