You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Randomize
