exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
