Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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