oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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