Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
