Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
