So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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