im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
