If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
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