I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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