I'm going to rape someone's good day.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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