Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I wish you could order shots online.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944

(720): View more from Colorado

and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate

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(512): View more from Texas

Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Here's my first problem: I'm drunk

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(330): View more from Ohio

When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.

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