Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
